Posted by red on October 2nd, 2009 in Etc., Loves Nuances

I’m restless and I can’t sleep.

I was fisted tonight – anally fisted. It was amazing. The ins and outs of the event are a story for another day – or perhaps for me and my partner, Paul – alone. I should write it up, it was hot. There was electricity, sharpened pin wheels, clothespins, and strawberry flavored drool.

But no, instead of hotness, tonight I wish to write about the emotional aspect of such a thing. Because right now, I feel viscerally vulnerable.

I am in a large house, alone, and I’ve locked myself into the smallest room. A HUGE part of me wants to sleep on the floor in this room instead of treading upstairs to the empty second floor and slipping into my big empty bed. I’m playing music, loudly, because I can, and because the silence is deafening. This has all caught me significantly off guard – I usually like being alone; I am known to revel in the pure freedom of answering to no one but myself. And yet, right now, I want…something else. Company? Affection? Background noise? I have no idea…

Before I left to drive to his place, Paul had asked if I wanted to spend the night, as his place is very very close to my work and very very far from where I am living. It was a charming gesture, and a practical one. He’s a charming man, and I am a practical girl, so it resonated well with me, even though I declined (I am dog sitting, at the moment, so I need to be around home in the morning). I didn’t really even think twice about it till after he’d pulled his fist from my ass, and after we’d lied there entangled for a million moments. Even then, I didn’t really think much about it till I got home, and was faced with an incredibly strong notion of NOT wanting to crawl into bed alone.

I have been taken to fragile emotional places by play before, but I’m a girl with some pretty serious cahones and I know how to take care of myself, so I always fare alright. I also know how to ask for what I need – as long as I recognize the need – so it’s not really like I’m now realizing what I should have said or done. I got my aftercare – I got cuddles and I asked for more, I got kisses and I asked for more. Paul is a sweetheart of the highest caliber and I have no doubt he’d have delivered anything I requested (well, within reason). So this is not about an issue with my partner (because he’s wonderful, hi Paul!), this is about something going on with me.

I know some might suspect that anal fisting is to blame – that the act is one that is “of course” going to result in vulnerability. After all, having someone’s entire hand inside of your ass is…a vulnerable position. But this was not my first experience with it, hell, this was not even my first experience with it THIS WEEK, and this overwhelming vulnerability I’m feeling is brand spanking new to me.

I think I just miss Roi, and I can chalk it up to that. Perhaps I wrote a recipe that could only result in this feeling, by virtue of everything going on with me right now, including being apart from my love. I just don’t understand – I have been up to plenty of mischief in Roi’s absence, so why is it just now tonight that I’m feeling so raw?

It’s funny, you know. Human beings are so complex, sometimes the simplest and most obvious reasons for difficult feelings are just way beyond reach, Sometimes, we just have to accept feelings for being what they are, and to let them be in all their glory. And that’s what I’m doing, via writing (aka babbling) on my blog at 2am.

It’s passing – I can feel its cold grip loosening from my chest. I’m already starting to feel more like myself again. I think I’m actually about ready to crawl into that lonely bed of mine. Maybe I’m just finally tired enough…