Posted by red on December 18th, 2008 in Loves Nuances

So there’s something I’ve been thinking about lately – breakups.

Because, you see, I’m supposed to be done with breakups. I’m one of those married chicks. Sure, Roi an I have our unique brand of a poly/poly-tolerant relationship going on, but outwardly – to work, to family – we fit into a nice neat ‘married couple’ box. I’m not supposed to be dating, nor am I supposed to have a girlfriend. Breakups aren’t something I should be going through as a part of my human experience. And yet here I am.

I’ve never had breakups – that it, until I went poly. I never dated before I met Roi, and he and I have been together an awfully long time. Roi and I had one “sorta” breakup at year five of our relationship (at my personal turning point that also gave rise to these diaries), which was my first breakup ever. And it sucked big time, of course, and we got through it, of course.

So what an overwhelming experience it was when I broke up with Anna a few years ago. Can you imagine it, me, stumbling out my broken thoughts in some sort of frantic semi-rehearsed splatter of information? It was like some sort of Judy Blume-esque relationship drama happening at recess. Afterwards, I hurt for months. Deep hurt on a level I never expected – it was my first official end of a relationship. The pain was very very real, and surprising, but I realized in time that I needed to feel it for what it was. The pain is simply part of the experience – the foil to the good parts. It’s all part of the cycle, and in time, it gives a certain sweetness to the good memories, making them just a little more precious.

My breakup with Anna made me wonder if having outside relationships was really worth it – hey, why not just stay loose and free and have lighthearted playmates?!?! I thought long and hard about how I would go back out into the poly world and on what terms, and when I did I made an effort to unattached. So I went out and kept loose and free and ended up, of course, finding out that it’s not as simple as all that. What I understand now is that relationships happen as soon as two people meet. I have a relationship with my Barista – the parameters are pretty simple, he gets me coffee, I give him this plastic card I carry for exactly that purpose. There’s trust and empathy there, but it’s low level at best – and it’s our relationship. I can’t *not* have a relationship with people I play with; just by playing we develop a relationship – it’s not a capital ‘R’ Relationship, but it is one nonetheless. And when they end, it’s a breakup and it can most certainly suck.

But, you know, it’s not really all that bad. I stick my neck out, I have to be prepared for the consequences – and I am. How could I not? I have Roi on my team, and with the amazing foundation of support his unconditional love gives me, it’s hard to really stew in sorrow about breakups. Besides, now that I’ve had a few, I know that while they’re pretty sucky in general, there’s something very real and pure about the pain they bring. Call me a masochist, but I secretly think I sort of like it – it makes me feel so agonizingly alive.