Posted by red on May 2nd, 2007 in Lust

To the man with the overly groomed facial hair who tried to hit on me today – stop grooming yourself that way.

I understand what you’re doing – I really do. I get it – it’s an expression of individuality. To some – hey I’ll admit it – maybe that’s cool. But holy hell – is it ever not hot to me.

The thing is, when you spoke to me, it wasn’t your buttery voice I noticed. Your silky words didn’t crawl up and down my spine; my skin didn’t goosebump at the cool edge in your words. In fact, though I was looking at your beautiful face I couldn’t see it – I failed to note your plump and inviting lips, I overlooked your devastatingly dashing jawline and I certainly managed to ignore your crisp, inviting eyes. All I could see was that overly groomed monstrosity on your chin.

I couldn’t help but wonder – what criteria did you use to judge the subtleties of your design? How was it that you decided on a soul patch which extended into five evenly spaced spokes – spokes that tricked down your chin like furry little tendrils? Why five – why not three? Why not four? Was there a reason that you made the spaces between the spokes so wide – was it an attempt to widen your narrow and chiseled face? Why are the spokes so narrow – shaving accident perhaps, or maybe an attempt to maintain the sharp and groomed look splayed all over your face?

You gave me more questions than answers. I found myself strangely intrigued by you. I found myself talking to you – engaging you and – what the fuck? – flirting with you.

“What’s the matter with me?” I thought “I know better than this!” After all, one of my standard rules of thumb is that ‘overly groomed facial hair is a deal breaker’. Still, something happened. I set aside my rule and gave you a chance – maybe it was just for a moment but it certainly happened.

And then it was over. Your overly groomed beard was still there – staring at me and offending me, making me shrink away in terror. I had to excuse myself and slip away from you – you were disappointed, and unfortunately, so was I. I couldn’t shake the feeling of you – you filled my thoughts through the rest of my day. You…and that ridiculous beard.

So, to the delicious and intriguing man who hit on me today – stop grooming yourself that way – please – so I can fantasize about you. Is that – really – too much to ask?